“Maybe this time i’ll be lucky
maybe this time he’ll stay
maybe this time for the first time
love wont hurry away
he will hold me fast
i’ll be home at last
not a loser anymore
like the last time
and the time before”
-Cabaret, Liza Minelli
“Everybody loves a winner so nobody loves me
lady peaceful lady happy
that’s what i long to be
well all the odds they’re in my favor
something’s bound to begin
it’s got to happen
maybe this time i’ll win”
And so the song goes on and on, trying to be peaceful and happy but most of all
want i want to be is on my way home…imagining someone with whom to shop for
groceries for the weekend like the many couples i observe shopping together
leaning on eachother, consulting eachother “what shall we eat tonight?”
How long has it been since i had someone to shop with ?
Looking back it is far more of an attachment ritual to shop together for dinner than to be
together, to cuddle , anything physical people call initimate is nothing compared to
shopping together for food, planning a meal is planning a life time on a small scale.
Watching people pass by i compare myself; there will always be someone heavier
less attractive looking but there will always be someone more attractive and more elegant
dressed, maybe the problem is that i dont care too much about what i wear but care more
about what book i am reading, what film i am watching, what thoughts pass through my mind.
I used to make an effort to talk to strangers but now i feel it is too tiring , it is like watching
a movie whose end you already know because you have read the book on which the film
is based.
Listening to Liza Minelli sing “Maybe this time” is easier than having to explain so much
this is the way things are , always making an effort …
I am thinking of all the time i spent imagining all kinds of situations but at the end of the day
as the British say, you are with people who want to be with you, not people who you
imagine to be with.
The terms “winner” and “loser” do not apply , this is not a race towards any goal.
You are the person you are and the person who chooses you will be the person who
chooses you.
Watching the world pass by, the different cultures, the Indian lady in her colorful dress,
the ladies of the west with their short short skirts and their transparent shirts
the overweight, the old, the deranged , the sad and lonely , the anticipating a meeting
girl, the young man standing arrogant and sure of himself next to his matchbox girl
all the people whom you see but who dont see you as if you are having to identify
a criminal in a police line up ..
we are not winners or loser as long as we dont use those terms to describe ourselves..
We do not live on an island
There will be people going home tonight to sleep next to someone, to hold someone
and there will be people going home alone to a bed alone, no dog , no cat, no human being
but feeling safe alone, knowing that solitude is a very stable state, there is no one to leave
no one to greet , no one to rid , just yourself and everything you want to do
nothing else
love yourself, i hear again and again, and maybe this time i will …
“something ‘s bound to begin”
seagullanding 