There are many advantages to writing a blog but one disadvantage is that you expose yourself hoping someone one day will recognize that beneath the many thoughts lay also many feelings and realize the need to belong ,to connect ,to come in from the cold .and so i found myself welcomed after a warm review of dance therapy session no. 1 but here is where the garden of eden ends and the snake ,the spine,suggests biting from the tree of knowledge;
Truth is that pleasing others is a skill i lack and doubt and criticsm have long become the main obstacle to finding a place in warm fuzzy Brazillian Portugese carnivals .
Seagulls are too occupied with flying far above the masses and not caring for fitting in nor admiring the feathers of exotic birds on parade …
Seagulls are bad in being well behaved beyond a first impression when impressed by glitter and glue.
The second encounter exposed Seagull L. ‘s true nature as lacking Portugese social skills..The solitude of a shoreline seemed to call out and more inviting.
I did not feel forced to act against my tendancy to follow my own instructions.
Dance therapy no. 2
I Found myself feeling forced to move ,forced for action so that rather than getting in touch with my emotions i felt i was doing promotion.
We were stretching our spines,being snakes,being children.
Moving and i felt like following my feelings but was pushed to act,a familiar feeling having been born to a line of dominant women who pushed their men and anyone around to act,i felt like a damaged doll who rather than be active ,controlling and pushing felt like allowing things to happen ,to go with the flow,rather than being in the kitchen commanding the men to buy groceries ,i wanted to be with the men commended,ordered about.
This realization only came about after being told to embody.To be present. There was no where to escape.
We were told to move and interact,we moved in pairs ,one mirrored the other,i felt clumbsy and akward,sad reminders from the days when i was not chosen for basketball ,nor showed too much grace in gymnastics.
Gym..sitting with the fat and the akward ,now instead of giving the teacher a note from the doctor that i am anemic and have low blood pressure and therefore excused from gym i was forced to interact with the fat and akward ,only now they were all grown up and married with children or cats or poodles and danced to lose weight or rekindle the flame of their vows or just be with other ladies who were Portugese speaking ..The presence of a man did not change the dynamica too much,nor an Asian lady,they were soon fluttering about like birds of a feather while seagull L. limped along the shore seeking solitude and reactivating the word producing mind we were instructed to turn off..
The Portugese charm soon disappeared and evaporated to thin air as i realized i was the stranger..there were two or three others but they stayed to share and chat while i felt the curtain on my window closing…
During dance therapy there was eye contact and caring but now the smiling Portugese from last time had arranged to meet two to three other Portugese ladies .
I had entered a small Portugese village and now i was in the cold Swiss air remembering the mirroring exercises and the smiles and feeling like the disappointment after a promising date,disappointing alienation now filled all the spaces the movement opened up..my back hurt,i was thirsty not only for water.
This is how men must feel after they visit a prostitute
It feels so real
someone touches you
looks at your eyes
dances with you,makes you feel loved again,wanted,embraced and then time passes and the session ends and you are thrown back to the cold German speaking world,don’t forget to pay,you are told..
The illusion of the caring womb bursts like a bubble
except surprise surprise
it does not feel SO bad anymore to be amongst the silent Germanic nontouching beings;
Frowning introverted people feel easier somehow,they stay OUT,they don’t touch you nor smile promises of caring commited relationships for 35 Swiss franks. Their prices are probobly much much higher when they engage in commerce and they keep professional borders so that after all is said and done ; emotions seem unnecessary,something you used to have way back when you lived in a culture where being real and expressing emotions was as natural as frowning and ignoring alienation.
when the mirroring exercises are done,and we are done acting like angels and touching and lifting the injured and the dance therapy ends Giselle reminds me to pay 120 franks.
“You must be strong because no one will help you if you want to write”
and silly me in my Americanized Yogi mentality imagined that dance therapy was a step towards a John Lennon imagined world
“Imagine there’s no countries and no religions too. ..
and the world will be as one.”
The world is one.
I walk the night stinking of some strong musky essential oil offered to try …
i used too much..
i carry chocolate and dog food and many thoughts burdening my smelly musky head.
The advantage to living in a cold blooded introverted culture like switzerland is that human contact does not seem like such a desirable pleasurable experience.
The language is not melodic but the people are predictable and dependable to be alienating like the trains and buses..