Almost June:Summer morning awakening

Internet is a huge attraction for multitudes of people seeking to connect to something beyond what they have in their daily lives.
Some  experts warn that the internet might harm human communication whereas others like me find in the internet a salvation from an inadequate community choices a person living in exile or in alienation towards their community faces.
I moved to Europe 20 years ago this summer having taken on the task of raising a family with an inadequate partner who rather than encourage my growth sought to harm me and thus caused me a great distrust in humanity in general.
Single motherhood made me feel even more lonely,i attended a single mothers seminar organized by a highly manipulative swiss woman.The other  single mothers followed her like sheep ,not only were they swiss of limited income lured by her invitation for a free dinner ,they did not have an ability or desire to express an individual voice,i did.
On the first night i had also realized that the term “single mother”does not mean the same thing to me as to the other participants gathered in the green swiss countryside.
A single mother to me meant just that,a woman raising her children alone.
It turned out that most of the women except one particularly unattractive woman with a diagnosed disability some anxiety disorder ,had boyfriends.
Not only did most of the women have boyfriends,they were busy talking about them and calling them..and so what was supposed to had been an empowering feminist experience for me turned out to be college dorms or army days for me when i felt the need to have” invented lovers on the phone  “as the singer/song writer Janis Ian sang “at 17”.
At 40 i no longer felt the need to invent anyone. I was also the only one with three children .
The first day began beautifully with a hike in the green acres ,i led a long hike ,my older son had a tirol hat,the younger kept getting lost and the girl complained.
Nontheless we had managed to hike for a good part of the day struggling with vicious farmers dogs tied on too long of a rope.
Appanzeller land was also where farmers ate dogs i had been told ,well at least during the 19th century,maybe that is why the dogs  were so angry?
Of course as a non map reading free spirited hiking leader we ended up  lost and missed the organized pizza dinner much to the growing discontent of my disappointed army.
I began to entertain the idea that i would enjoy the kids activities more when i ended up sitting in a circle around a candle listening to the swiss leader describe her ideas of life and how one should wish for what one wants and the universe will make it happen.
Positive thinking was shoved down our throats for more than two hours when i raised a rebelious hand and suggested expression one’s full spectrum of emotions is important too.
The organizer sent me out of the room immediately and “single not really single”mothers paradise had closed its doors to me.
I was literaly sent out of the room filled with scented candles and thrown out of the single mothers program,and so i attended the childrens program alongside my children watching cows milked and pig races ,the only mom .
One of my sons got a thrill out of the idea his mother got thrown out of class and reported it to the father and this of course did not add to my already tarnished image in the swiss divorce court where actually being single and unemployed did not look too good to the conservative judge who proceeded to bombard me with visiting so called experts social workers thus leading to a personal hell..
Years later ,the children are taller than me and i still prefer the company  of cows and pigs to human beings praying to scented candles though i too now pray to scented candles more for comfort in my winter years especially summers when it becomes apparent how lonelier the days are surrounded by barbeques and the rites of passage on the grassy fields by the lake,there is still a place where i can find like minded rebelious minds unwilling to invent lovers in order to fit in,too stubborn to succomb to social norms of partnerships and “fitting in”and lost amongst the IT and finance fancy lifestyles i seek something more than meditation,because without mass media and social media my world is reduced to dull exchanges of how is the weather and discussion of dog teaks so thank you all you wonderful people out there who let me into your many rooms rather than throw me out of one room with scented candles and forged single mothers.
I had never been the life of the party or popular but now with the internet it is comforting as i wake up in my bed,the dog’s warm body always laying in the wrong place stopping  blood flow to my foot or arm ,to know somewhere someone is reading my words and facing similar issues i always thought would expire at a certain date ,a particular age and they don’t,it still feels bad to be alone and your words in a closed locked drawer though some things are better left unsaid,unexpressed pain hurts more and a meeting of like minded readers of the English language ,whether a first language or second or third,creates the sort of energy circle that single mothers seminar more than a decade ago so painfully failed to provide.
Thank you cyber space community.You feel more like a community than offline people do.
And as one wise Indian doctor had taught”we are always online;connected to others in the universe”
Peace,light and love!

About seagullsea

a seagull flying over the great ocean of life observing.
This entry was posted in fake vs. real, family life, feminine empowerment, friendship, healing, internet, life choices, life lessons, media matters, memories are made of this, nonconformity, people watching, self analysis, self growth and development, social critique, survival, swiss life, understanding ourselves. Bookmark the permalink.

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