words for my daughter on her 20th birthday
The swiss doctor i had visited today after two weeks of flu and coughing , had asked me whether i sleep enough, and i admitted i did not, confessing i was watching the debate between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, i need this distraction from my coughing, i made an excuse..
I have an allergic reaction to Donald Trump because he just did not seem to have done his home work , his approach was “those” people are dangerous, “Those ” people, but he forgets that “those ” people are who make up US too and there are many reasons why there is so much violence in the inner cities neighbourhoods, and the reasons are deeply embedded in American history, but people like Donald Trump only see the symptoms not the cause.
While i was in bed i was watching “the talk” led by Sara Gilbert, and thought about how she got married to her girlfriend, how she got pregnant and how accepting everyone on the panel and in the studio had been and i thought, why not? But then i thought how fortunate i am that i had children with a man whom i had an emotional attachment to, how fortunate i am that despite all the pain and suffering i have encountered in my many failed attempts to have a relationship with a mature grown man, never quite reaching the right recipe, at least i tried, and while i did read that lesbians have a more satisfying sex life, i am pleased that i was born a female who is drawn to men , i know not all people are born the same, that it is possible to be attracted to a person of your own gender but the complications that involve those relationships and especially marriage seem to me so tiring, to call another woman “your wife”, when the term is very specific and in a relationship between man and wife, maybe lesbians can think of another term, it is just that the term wife has been so cursed for me, and i can imagine that two women in a relationship at least do not have power struggles based on gender inequality..i often thought that lesbians must have it great, they can share clothes, they can share makeup and tampons , like room mates but then i remembered the horror involving with a very angry older sister screaming at me for using her things, room mates at university who clashed with me, one who “hit” on me, telling me she found me attractive while observing me swimming at the university pool, and i consider that i do tend to romanticise relationship but i sure am grateful i am not Angelina Jolie.
Ah, Angelina Jolie, the mother of the year! How in the world can you be considered a good mother when you raise your children in SEVEN houses!! If indeed Angelina Jolie wanted to contribute to the world refugees let her give them money to build houses, get medical help but she is so busy travelling to refugee camps and meanwhile who is taking care of her children?
A school friend of mine who had two children thanks to Israeli liberal policy regarding sperm banks for single women, got angry at me and did not speak to me for ten years holding a grudge when i asked her “what about the father?” but i do feel that Angelina Jolie and women like her are causing their children so much damage by taking the father away . Yes, there are men who are aggressive some of the time, none of the time, most of the time, occasionally, but this is the man you chose to have children with so be an adult and let him see the children sometimes and if you are really adult, which me and my ex were not, then have a mediator work with you so you can explain to the children and to each other how you can live a sane life without adding a passive aggressive attitude and digging nails in each other…
Like Angelina Jolie, i too bit more than i could chew, i had three beautiful babies with my ex husband, and yes i chose him because i knew i would have amazing children with him, he was handsome, he came from a family of functioning people, but he did lack a heart open to love without hurting, still i chose him, i was an adult over thirty years , and i did not know my own limits, but there are gender differences, i would rather have a truck roll over me than my children hurt but i did hurt my children by speaking badly of their father in bitter words. My mother told me again and again, do not speak badly about the father of your children ! But since my own mother spoke badly about my father, mostly his family and his too great love to his mother and sisters, putting them before her, i heard complaints about the first man i ever knew and i guess i copied because children do what the see around them in the family not what you say in words, especially when you contradict yourself.
I guess i would have loved to have been a lesbian and not to have dealt with men issues and their ego issues and their chasing other women but at least i suffered with a good looking man with some talents, he played guitar and did sport, and even had a bit of sense of humour when i first got to know him but people change, we all change all the time, and the person i met was not the person who is now, not able to speak the truth, cowardly, hiding behind fictional stories he tells himself, hiding behind the apron strings of a woman, unable to deal with his faults and projecting his issues on to me, and i have enough issues to deal with.
It is easy enough to have affairs, they are like the dessert but then you get hungry for a full meal, for something more satisfying than the sweet momentary illusion of a loving contact, and if you are a person who takes life too seriously and seeks meaning and content , you follow certain values which do not allow you to get lost too much in the human jungle…
I just don’t understand how Angelina Jolie travelled throughout the world as a UN ambassador and still gained ZERO insight into what she is doing which is fighting a power struggle where both sides lose. To fight over children is a losing battle but i too had to learn that lesson the hard way..
Last week a tragic murder of a beautiful Israeli Arab woman murdered by her brothers in “honour killing” while her children witnessed haunted my thoughts ;her sons given by the Moslem court of law , which in Israel is allowed for Moslem people, to a violent husband who had hit the children too, what a life of suffering and this is just one of many women in a tragic statistics, this is the price we women pay for loving men, the men who do not appreciate the love they receive because it is easier to deny.
Sometimes i think how is it that more women do not choose to be lesbians or go to a sperm bank instead of enter a relationship?
I think when a woman enters into a relationship with a man who is already in a committed relationship as Angelina Jolie did, she should not expect anything else, but it could be that birds of a feather flock together, in any case, the whole way people with too much money making movies allow themselves to make their own rules in life, not marrying, having children, then deciding to marry then deciding to break up in a legal battle is just too sad for us people who are trying to learn from life lessons to watch.
Last night i watched about five minutes of the presidential debate, Donald Trump very quickly moved on to his generalisations and blaming the victims of violence for the violence in the streets of the cities, he wants marshal law or what?
Hillary Clinton is no angel either, the woman in red pants suit did not follow a moral code when she allowed her husband to abuse his powerful position to take advantage of a young woman the age of their daughter, and then there were all those deals with the financial institutions, so much corruption and lies but then how is she different from the majority of politicians in the world ? She is a woman, that is how she is different. At one point Hillary Clinton proudly mentioned her husband’s decisions as a president and his actions ..i recalled the fake peace agreement, and somehow i have developed an allergy to that charming southern accent Jimmy carter and Pat Robertson have, it seems to always spell bad news for African Americans or Israelis asked to give up for to those who are aggressive towards them.
I tried finding a jewish israeli partner but somehow it was not meant to be, so i found a handsome man i had a lot in common with but who was not jewish, i did not think twice when he had asked me to marry him, and for a long time i blamed religious and cultural differences for our painful relationship but now i know it is because we carry the building blocks for a destructive relationship having come from the unhealthy families we were raised in, not having practiced communication and respect and not willing to learn , at least not at the time. I now am cautious at generalisations, i just want to live with self respect and to follow the values i hold dear, i seek stability and for my children i seek what i need too, stability and consistency. My sons love their father even though i feel a lot of resentment towards him, which with the years has slowly faded into seeing also his many advantages, a man with very clean habits, who showers twice a day, cares about working and giving a good example for his sons by waking up every day and going to teach difficult teenagers, while i sometimes just do not feel like getting out of bed in the morning, if truth be told. I can blame my ex husband for my life circumstances but i can not deny my children the right to be with a man they are related to. My children were not accidental DNA floating in test tubes, they were a wish fulfilled, and yes it is difficult to look at my DNA sometimes, seeing my bad habits but also the good ones, seeing the dimples they inherited as well as the scars the bad marriage left, the humour , thank goodness , yes, and the serious attitude, not from me, but somehow they came to this world and i do believe that children are a potential to be better , to make better choices, not to rush into quick distractions , wiser than we were, and all in all when i observe the drug habits of the rich and beautiful in Hollywood i have hope that my children were born into a boring yet more sane world of boring habits to get to trains who run on time, to get angry at generalizations, to a multi cultural world where more and more doors open to people , not me perhaps but to the young .
An Israeli friend of mine in her 60’s studied engineering in the technical university in Haifa in Israel when there were only 10% women, now women are at least 50% of the students in technical fields as well as medicine. I just went to a doctor who specialises in nose, throat issues and i told her i always wondered what those doctors do because my cousin is a nose-throat doctor, and she asked ” where does HE work?”, oh, no , i said, my cousin is a “SHE”, she works in Israel. How easy we fall into those gender traps..i also wanted to do something not typical of women but i am , if truth be told , very typical female, i am good at drawing and languages and i am not very good at technical matters but if i have no other choice i can change a light bulb an fix things and kill moths and though i don’t kill spiders, i am not afraid of them or any insects, i don’t scream when i see a mouse, i pick it up so maybe i am not so typical female but i am grateful to live in a world where i am free to make choices and that i am not totally for changing the law for gay marriage because i don’t believe in any marriage.
Marriage makes people take for granted what unattached people who choose to be together- don’t.
Today is daughter’s birthday, 20, and i feel is born free to choose much more than i was, even though i thought i was free, i feel she has had enough life experience so that she knows that cinderella is a story and that marriage is no recipe for happiness and hopefully she working in her first job feels she has the power to choose to be with whoever she wants to be with not out of a feeling she must be married to be happy , she must have children to fulfil some biological purpose but able to have many more choices than women had in the past.
I am not a fan of Hillary Clinton or the Clintons but i would very much like to see a woman president in US, and some day in other countries too, especially in the middle east where women are more repressed than anywhere else in the world, but i am not sure i will live to see it in my lifetime, but i have hope that my daughter will live to see changes in the possibilities and choices women have, to marry or not to marry, to have children or not to have children and not to be reduced to bikini wearing cloth hangers , i look foreward to an age when people will live from the inside out not the other way around, blind to the outside that passes and dies and true to what does not die and is eternal.
It does not matter really who will be the president of the US, in any case the world is in deep trouble because people have too much ego thinking a certain position in society makes them more worthy, a certain skin color and religion ,whatever, so i think i am going to go deeper into what is called soul and seek to protect myself from the media made news. The news is that the world is open and it is an oyster and whether we choose to open up and produce pearls or whether we close up and lay at the bottom of the sea, it is really up to us to make that choice.
There is a saying in Yiddish “We get too soon old and too late smart”, but my experience has been that some people never get wise, i remember standing on the side line, watching my ex boyfriends marry and wondering why i wasn’t good enough ? but now i know we were just not compatible to each other’s life plans. I like myself as i am, i find there is never a dull moment, my thoughts are many and my path off the main road, not typical in any way.
For a long time i felt guilty i was not able to provide a typical role model of a woman with a man but now i realise i live not alone , i live with my truth and i am very loyal , very loyal to my truth and i try very hard not to betray this truth, my truth nor force it on other people anymore, if this is how my children will choose to live, the more difficult path , the one not smiled upon by most of society, it would not be the worse of life choices. To be alone with another human being might be a worse choice, to live in illusions of status symbols with a person who is a stranger is not a life choice i wish on anyone and not on me or mine!
To be grateful for what we have, to be grateful for every painful experience as well as joy, to know that in life everything comes in a mixed bag, not separate and to be wise enough to sit back and watch and observe life and ourselves is a learned habit , a habit that will one day save your life and it is only your life you can save!