she suffers from depression and being a lesbian in a swiss conservative closet
I suffer from swiss conservative and my own self doubting voice,the voice deeply implented by my mother and maternal aunts:
lazy,hazy ,not steady.
she found a community that accepts her ,she plays guitar in concerts for christ.
I found yoga.
she advices me not to speak too loudly about yoga.other people might not understand.
she goes to a psychiatrist that gives her medication. she still suffers from depression. Her Swiss bank work place does not understand. She wants to make a lot of money to give to the kingdom of christ.
In a moment of human weakness i sit down and accept the offered slice of chocolate chip home baked cake .I find a woman whose children had the same mad teacher in a swiss primary school.
we share conservative values regarding how the swiss push sexuality before soul based social interactions are practiced,if ever.
I promise to bake brownies for the next church cafe. I love baking and to feed others.
I watch a mentally challenged youth hugged.
I go home and think.and think.
I think about conny’s toothy smile ,her Ellen degeneris ways,i think about how i can not be friends with a desparately lonely lesbian when i am desparate and not into sex with women or women. I like married women who bake and worry about their children’s future and love men whether they deserve to be loved or not.
I tell myself not to judge but i just do not want to find myself making the following speeches:
1)sorry,i can not follow christ,i follow Moses,though i am one of those left behind when the red sea parted and struggle not to drown.
2)Sorry,i am not a lesbian,i am not attracted to anyone right now but certainly not to same sex people.I just want to be left alone with my invisible sometimes cruel sometimes kind old tastement G-d.
3)I may be crazy but i am not depressed.
I call the swiss psychiatrist the next day. The skies are blue and cloudless but my mind is busy with the oslo accords,punching the dead corpse of Simon Peres who lays in a coffin in the Israeli parliment.Bill Clinton rushing to his side.Flying without Hillary to give a “Shimon,my friend”speech,a twin of “Itchak Rabin,my friend”
Simon,i want to scream,why is EVERYBODY IN THE WORLD your friend?well,except the Arab world..
Simon,i want to scream ,what have you and Bill Clinton done to my country?First you help built Israel,provide nuclear weapon,build a powerful army then you give the Arabs a message that everything is up for grabs like your merchent of Belorussia ancestors,for sale,
land for peace and meanwhile the Moslem Muftis incite for murder but you do not listen,too busy building bridges with Europe,winning popularity contests but not with the Arab world.The Arab world is not a big fan of yours.
My great grandfather came from a small village in Kremia ,now Russia,in 1881,he first fought with the Arab neighbors unhappy the jewish settled on purchased land but after a high noon sort of scene the local sheik respected the blond cowboy with the chutzpa *and fluent Arabic.
When my great grandfather who hid weapons for the jewish underground and also dealt with building good relations with the local Arab sheik had died,in 1967,
A photo in his house now a museum of Jewish defense in Petach Tikva,shows his funeral,there were a few Israeli jewish political figures but most of those attending the funeral were Arabs with their traditional galabeia and head cover .
Because Arabs i think respect Chutzpa,Arabs and Jews are actually quite close in culture and manners but the Jews have adapted to European standards or wherever they go and this is an advantage and a disadvantage.
I called the swiss psychiatrist whose number i got from Connie and a soft spoken man asked me whether i was Dutch or Norweigian.
I made an appointment though the swiss psychiatrist ,a Hans Peter,was fully booked ,just diagnose me,i asked and after asking whether i was insured,the swiss psychiatrist had agreed to make an evaluation according to DSM5 ,the newest psychiatric manuel.No standarized test.the swiss said.
I thought about how Conny’s eyes lit up as she told me of the medication her psychiatrist gives her to stabilize her moods and how she was sure he would give it to me too. we would be united as psychiatric patients,if not loving friends then sisters suffering from depression!The prospect of healing me of my verbally overloaded soliloquys and enthusiastic speeches ,i could tell from her toothy smile had filled Conny with hope .
Conny had envisioned us sisters kneeling at the cross,kissing the feet of the crucified and then perhaps by chance,eachother.
I thought about baking brownies for the conservative christ church and hugging its members then i called back Dr. Hans Peter,
“sorry,i can not make the appointment”
i said with confidence.
“I realized i have another appointment”
I listened as Dr. Hans Peter deleted my Dutch/Norweigian name and i completed the unsaid sentence in my mind.
I have to rescue my city from the Clintons.
I have to rescue my people from fake peace agreements that would give our tiny microscopic land to the terrorists.
But then the moment passed and i knew i would not be seeing psychiatrists or hiding weapon in my house or befriending politicians.
Flashback to my psychology studies at the university appeared in my mind.
I thought about the gay French philosopher Foucoult and his book about madness and how society cleanses itself of its maladapted people labeling them mad.
My great grandfather was lucky to have been born at the time he was born and not to have been thrown out of the window by the mad kozaks seeking an easy scapegoat.Many were not .
I am lucky to be born at a time and place when we did not need the clintons to destroy our homeland and sell it back to the Arabs.
There is one polititian i admire,Barak obama,playing gulf when Loiuisianna is under water,not willing to stick his neck out and try to save the syrians in another hopeless battle and willing to spend his Friday morning burying a dead fake peace agreement negotiator.
Why am i feeling so bitter towards a man so beloved?
why do i overlook his achievements?
Because of my own disappointments?Feeling let down?
But what is failure anyway?
just a learning experience.
not necessary a declaration of a person’s worth or a generalized conclusion that all is lost!
Better to stay away from psychiatrists who feel the need to force feed the rejected of society pills and to label the nonconformists who dare to be different.
Better to burn out than fade away in some church basement.
A group of young Arab speaking men get on the train,i try to pick up a familiar word.
Switzerland is a paradise but there are too many snakes and like my great grandfather decided more than 100 years ago ,i’ll take my chances with the Arabs…i think i will go and visit the living there.
“Syria”,one Arab speakers says,”Germany”,”Assad”
They plan a trip .
And so i plan a trip too.
soon we will be crossing the border to Germany far from swiss Psychiatrists seeking to take human suffering and control it in pill boxes.
Far from conny and her conditional coffee and cake church .
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