The past is not our future

My father had a poster in his office of a ceramic vase with the caption 

“our past is where our future is”

He used to travel throughout the US, talking about Israel and bringing people 

and resources to Israel. 

It was around that time that his health had deteriorated, he smoked way 

too much and became nervous, then he got very ill , but continued to travel 

he especially loved Spain and Mexico, he brought a rug from Mexico 

one day i hung it over the balcony of my apartment in Tel Aviv, and it was 

gone, just like that..

I think that every place and every person has a history and Freud did well 

when he allowed people to go over their personal history during his talking 

therapy, i prefer to write in a diary these days because i realise that therapists

have a history too and so it is easier to share your history with a white page and a 

pen, in fact it is important to do that. 

The wailing wall is just that sort of place, it is stones and they have history 

and since i had been taught it is part of my personal history , it feels good 

to talk to the stones..i heard of people talking to stones in grave yards ,

because every one has a particular history and the more you know about 

a person’s history, the more you know about them and you can predict 

what your interaction with them will be like but it is not that easy 

to pin a person to a certain history, some people break the mold 

of their own personal history. 

I think that it makes my life difficult to live abroad because i have 

so little history in common with people i meet, and yet there are 

common human experiences such as relationships, children, marriage, divorce and death and loss. 

This is why we can relate to a Greek tragedy and Russian theater and a French film 

and this is what makes meeting people from different backgrounds so interesting 

but at one point i did get stuck with my personal history, it was difficult to be the only one with a particular sort of history and then i found out that people who came from the same culture were like me trying to escape it, and were therefore not good people to associate with in order to find the way towards figuring out where it all went wrong. 

Psychology today tends to move away from those years spent analysing where it all went wrong and trying to focus on the here and now, i am not sure how that works but i do know that sometimes we have to go through certain experiences and to allow ourselves that time, that you can not hurry insight into what happened in your past and the future must wait till you figure out that. 

I realise that i am very different in my motivation to people i meet, i am not interested in just passing through life, i am seeking it to be a meaningful experience and i want to learn more about history, the collected history of the world and my own personal history and where it all fits together . 

It was important for me to travel to where my mother was born but i am still not sure what happened there and what made people hate the jews so much that they cooperated with racist laws, but i think that it can probably happen in any society where people follow blindly which is why i am such a nonconformist , and it is a lonely existence some times, but i can not take the risk of following a movement or an ideology that might lead to a group thinking and yet i know that at some point i need to identify with a group because i am not a person without history and i seek a group of like minded people and i can not find them here, nobody has been through what i have been and then i realise that at open point i wanted to go back and figure out what went wrong , and i was unable to leave, because i was caught up with the present, and the place where i am living now kept challenging me in ways i did not wish to be challenged; demanding me to ask myself who i am and what do i want to do in this life and i realise that i want to belong somewhere, and as long as i communicated with my environment in a language i do not really like or want to speak and can not form good  memories of , i am sort of stuck with the challenges i have been given ; the lack of ability to identify with anything swiss, i do not like farming any more; i love the cows and sheep but i know what their destiny is , and i suspect they do too, and i therefore prefer the neutrality of the city where every crazy person can be part of the urban funk , and yet i dont want that sort of craziness either, so i am thinking it is time to leave, and find some place where i can find other challenges, i do want to interact with human beings again and not fear the labels that i think my mother had to deal with growing up in a racist society, i just feel more and more the sort of energy she must have felt, and i do not want labels, and i know that there are everywhere because human beings are weak and do not want to spend time getting to know someone but instead ask simple questions : where do you come from ? and based on that they evalauate and judge and that will form the sort of interaction they will form but there is more, there is all that personal history that comes into play and it seems to me that people are so very complicated and that is why i think so many prefer dogs, because they seem so simple and it is also possible to hold on to a leash and to connect to them in a way that you can not trust a human being will , unless you enslave someone or become someone’s slave, human bonds will break if not through decisions then through time and life, because that is what happens eventually, we are not here forever , and then i think about my father and i often think what he would have done and then i change my mind and think i need to think what i would have done and what i will do, because my history is me but it is not the only thing that defines me. 

Freedom to think and do what you want is a huge burden and so many people choose to be enslaved to others through the idea that they must commit and that is what holds a lot of people in certain places but once you can let go ,  there is a whole lot of possibilities and opportunities which is why so many people escape, and that is what happened to my father just before he died, the year before he died, he lived on a Greek island and worked there as a tour guide , and i think  that it was probably the only time in his life he got to do what he wanted to do and i think that i am free to go where ever i want to go but once i reach that place of freedom i do not know what to do with that sort of freedom and i miss my chains and my bondage because it is the dog like part of me, that part that wishes to be domesticated and part of something , i guess it is also called socialisation and that part is never satisfied living in places where there is no history to identify with and nothing that seems familiar , and after a while the stranger in you shouts to go home to a familiar place and i can not describe the joy of seeing a familiar cheese with the language you first spoke, and even though it comes with a lot of history and not all of it so bright and nice, there is just so much that feels right and i think that is what makes people feel they have come home and it has nothing to do with a rational decision like the weather they like or a good job or even where the family feels better but it is a place where there is a fit between your history and the general history , and sometimes a stranger comes to a place where he feels at home even though he has never been there before and it could be a Greek island but then when you realise your end is near, like all the animals on earth that are aware of death , you seek to go back to where you were part of history, and history was part of you which explains why i think it is time to go back , it is time to look at history and let history look at you and let you grow before time buries you .

History is everything.

About seagullsea

a seagull flying over the great ocean of life observing.
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