time to fly: for a lack of a better explanation

I can not explain what made me leave switzerland 

it has been a combination of factors 

perhaps because this is where it all had happened 

the worst divorce in history following the worst marriage in history 

gathering my many many photos i see a happy couple posing 

for a photo by miniature switzerland, 

and cutting a wedding cake 

dressed beautifully , a bride and groom 

and then babies, 

how could anything go wrong?

Then i turn to the film “psycho” for an answer

“why me, i could not even harm a fly”

says the man who had murdered people 

and that is what this man did to me; 

he murdered my dreams,

he killed any hope for a family

but not doing anything to change the way things were going

it was like a car driving out of control

his mad temper, his violence

and blaming me for the cause

and what was worst was society accepting it

but then it got even worst than worst

when the children accepted that it was all my fault

somehow

because their father had his place in society.

I can not understand how a teacher instead of helping

his children get an education

manipulates them to work and earn money

so he does not have to pay for them .

The truth that hurts is that it was my fault;

i gave the wheel over to a man who had no idea

what he was doing , who did not mind who he was driving over

and it still feels very hurting, and i wonder if it will ever stop

but living in a country where people lack such basic compassion

for other human beings who are different than them

who resent anyone who is different ,

this open racism, this resentment of certain cultures in particular,

i stomached it too long, and then to have discovered

that babies you gave birth to

turned against you

blaming you for what was not your fault

though partly it was, of course,

at one point it could have been flight or fight

and i chose fight

to stay was to fight

and i tried to look at nature

but all i saw every day

was birds of prey

and i just forgot how

to get back on the road to sanity

to a place where there was a meaning in life

again,

if i could,

i would have returned to a place i left,

to the USA and would have struggled to stay there

past my visa expiration

because USA too has beautiful nature

but there too are problems

that are not mine

and so i thought maybe it is time

to go back to a place where problems

are mine,

and where people are not pretending a neutrality

but i can not fix what is broken

and i can not explain to the children

how crazy their father is to not care

if they have enough education

because for me my education has been

my shield from a confused nothingness,

it has been an instrument towards

finding the way out

but when i look at the literal mess,

the piles of THINGS that constitute my life

at the moment,

i wonder how i got to this point

and how to detach

from the art books and from all the books

and how to ever get out of this place

that has been holding me back

with its breathtaking beauty

the way probably women keep men

in bad places

drinking,

i sit here intoxicated by the early morning sunrise

thinking i am a slave to this place

i am a slave to this way of life

that is a train passing beautiful places

that mean nothing to me

that beauty is not enough ,

and that this isolation has been tough

but it got me thinking that something

has got to change

and that i can not be  held responsible

for other people’s decisions

and i have to unload the burden

of feeling responsible for what is not my responsibility

but then i still feel responsible

for building a family with this man

who seems to destroy everyone he meets

as long as they do not destroy back,

who does not know how to be a father

who cares for anyone’s needs

but only knows how to manipulate

and get what he needs out of every relationship,

with giving back so little,

and how for some people that little

that presence, that explosion of violence

is acceptable

and i am thinking of the frogs in boiling water

and how they stop struggling at one point

because they stop feeling

either because the boiling water is too hot

or because they grow tired of a struggle

that lead anywhere,

and i want to leave this boiling water

that presents itself as a warm bath,

and as the sky grow light blue

i think of how everything you do

in life somehow goes back to being you

in this world

and maybe i invited this violence upon me,

because it is already so deeply engraved in my psyche,

but then i think of the sentence that caught my eye

in my dog’s shelter

“every creature deserves a shelter ”

and i have been trying to find one

and it has been too much of a struggle here,

because i just can not find anyone who can come near

to what i used to call a friend

but i know that when i went back

i discovered what i thought was a friend

turned out to be just a person i used to know

and how did all that happen ?

how did all those relationship fail to become

something of substance

something of meaning

something good and strong and kind?

i think of how i am going to have to do this move

on my own

to select what to keep

and what to let go

and i want to keep everything

and that is maybe where it all went wrong

i feel like that fly in the spider’s web

caught and unable to move

and also that fly whom “psycho” says

he could not harm

but he does,

because that is what psychos do

and flies, that is what they do,

they fly and then they get hurt,

and now it is time to fly away..

 

 

 

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About seagullsea

a seagull flying over the great ocean of life observing.
This entry was posted in domestic violence, family life, Uncategorized and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

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