I used to think

“I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is ending up with people who make you feel all alone.”

     -World’s greatest dad
“Under Pressure”

Pressure pushing down on me
Pressing down on you, no man ask for
Under pressure that burns a building down
Splits a family in two
Puts people on streets

It’s the terror of knowing
What this world is about
Watching some good friends
Screaming, “Let me out!”
Tomorrow gets me higher
Pressure on people – people on streets

Chippin’ around, kick my brains ’round the floor
These are the days – it never rains but it pours
People on streets – people on streets

It’s the terror of knowing
What this world is about
Watching some good friends
Screaming, “Let me out!”
Tomorrow gets me higher, higher, higher…
Pressure on people – people on streets

Turned away from it all like a blind man
Sat on a fence but it don’t work
Keep coming up with love but it’s so slashed and torn
Why, why, why?


Insanity laughs under pressure we’re cracking
Can’t we give ourselves one more chance?
Why can’t we give love that one more chance?
Why can’t we give love, give love, give love, give love, give love, give love, give love, give love?..

‘Cause love’s such an old-fashioned word
And love dares you to care for
The people on the edge of the night
And love dares you to change our way of
Caring about ourselves
This is our last dance
This is our last dance
This is ourselves
Under pressure
Under pressure

   -QUEEN /Davud Bowie
The other day
I felt
what i always felt
within this family
all alone
unable to trust
which is why
i was determined
the new family i will built
will not be a place
to be lonely
but a place
you can always be
and able to  trust
no one will want
to cause you
harm .
Notes :
Why would William Robins take his own life after a film like “World’s greatest dad” where he shows how one can break out of the mold of needing approval of others. The answer which is scary  might be that we are not always in control of following logical patterns, but it is important to remain true to ourselves and to realise that there is always hope for something better tomorrow if we only do everything we can to hold on to this one precious life. To lose hope  completely and give up is not an option in a world where too many die because of a stupid reason, and every reason to die is stupid and it might be that the reason to live is stupid too.
Sitting with people who seem to dictate to me what i should say in order to gain approval , i played the part and later, in what i knew would appear unstable, i shook off the harness and said, screw it, i will not play the part you wish me to, you are a liar and a thief and you stole from our dead mother, and went against her wish that we shall share and then you give me this bullshit excuse saying you work so hard, which is no excuse for stealing from me, and i sit there and allow you to make excuses for that disrespectful son of yours repeating lies you had told him of what a great person his father is but a great person does not steal from other people and especially not from dead people ‘s homes after they had left a will that stated otherwise.
I wish i could say i have a great older brother with whom i have slight differences in how we view life but the truth is my brother is a thief and a liar and a bully and his youngest son follows his example and the irony is that he thinks he can make it better by convincing me that what i had experienced, that he just stole what he could from our dead mother’s property is a mistake of perception and a point of view. He sleeps good at night, eats well and feels alright and then he wonders why i don’t want him to have contact with my children. He stole from them their inheritance, he took what he wanted and then he also tried to take from me my sense of integrity and truth and what’s right. He tried to take from me reality too and distort it into making it my problem in getting along with the family members who stole without thinking twice because they could, he and my sister just took things thinking knowing will notice and since he had the keys to the apartment and changed the will taking a woman with a stroke, he said, was nothing..he said…i think, he could say day was night and night was day, lying to him is like breathing air, and then he pushes those needing approval buttons but what i fear most is that he will do the same to me, come to my home and just take whatever he wants and then lie to my children and tell them he works hard so he earns the right to steal. I think i will go to the police and press charges . It should not be possible for people to steal from their dead parents estate and get away with it. The truth is he got away with murder probably and who knows , but it is very likely that he contributed to my mother’s healthy by taking her to a lawyer instead of to a doctor one month before she died, and who knows what the truth is? certainly not someone who lies all the time…the truth is he hid my mother’s condition from me so he can change the will, and then once he got the keys to her apartment he could go in and do as he please because who would stop him? who would prevent him from stealing? Not a dead woman, no moral code and then he says he studies mystic judaism as if this is any excuse. I work, he says, so i deserve to steal. I wonder what he does at his work if not steal . Corruption seems to be a plague of society and the price is paid by generations learning to accept that as the truth and i just feel like jumping into a swimming pool , to get away from what i know i can not get away from, as long as he stops me, talks to me and chants like a mantra, i did nothing wrong, i just took what i am entitled to, and” i am entitled to everything” mantra of the sociopath psychopath narcissist and they are always surrounded by like minded..who advice them take take take take while other people give give give give .

About seagullsea

a seagull flying over the great ocean of life observing.
This entry was posted in fake vs. real, family life, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

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