It’s been a challenging week
I am facing motivational issues. On the way to school i found a mushroom , i forgot to show it to the pupils, it was probably a poisoned mushroom as white mushrooms can be.
I still long for the forests of Europe, the multi coloured leaves, biking on a path along the river, the lack of cars beeping, the rain heavy and real compared to a small rain that leaves as it comes, and i feel relief, the flowers finally got some water, i forgot to water them and the guilt is now over, someone else took over caring for my one small plant left outside for the mercy of the universe. Thank you.
I am supposed to set goals and follow them but something stops me, something blocks me.
Last weekend i ran into my brother who insists on having a completely different version of THE TRUTH , and has a backup in the form of a friend who follows him for the past 35 years backing up and supporting him even when he CHOSE to steal my part of our parents fortune when our mother died, he twists THE TRUTH making me the villain, this is why the family does not want contact, sort of speech, i , who was the golden child, who brought home good grades and was destined for fame and fortune was now a begger and the tables turned and he, the boy with learning issues, who stole the family car, and had to go away to a sort of school for badly behaved boys with little potential in school rose in society, sure, a society where cheating and lying are rewarded and where one marries a sort of partner who supports milking your wealthy widow mother for money, and friends who support that sort of behaviour –
The friend approaches me and invites me to join them..and i ignore the warning written in the bible NOT TO SIT WITH FOOLS and i sit and i cry, because i am real and connected and the truth to me is simple, he stole, he took, and i am tired of denying and then my nature takes over and i forgive and i nod my head and i agree to some sort of peace agreement but then i go home and i feel that i have been had, that the friend argued the case for my brother and my brother kept repeating how hard he had worked all these years but what does that have to do with stealing my share? I feel like i need a lawyer, a good lawyer will cost a lot, and i realise that i have made many mistakes, i do not trust human beings for a reason, and when in school a teacher tells me i should encourage the pupils because no one said a good word to them , no one encourages them, i feel anger, because i feel that i have no gotten any encouraging word for the past 30 years either, in school , yes, of course, what teacher would not like a pupil like me ? eager to please and listen to the lesson but then i married a cheater and a liar and why would i not when i was raised in that sort of environment, once my father was out of the way, my mother and brother found a common goal, to get the inheritance of a widow great aunt with no heirs, and i said, this is not my path.
The dog is digging in the bed begging to go out, and i want winter, i want a cold climate where i can feel numb and nothing but i am going out, knowing this time, i will do what the Tibetean book of the dead recommend, just walk down another street and do not sit amongst fools, but what if i am a fool too? then it is even more important not to sit amongst them.
Last night i went to the synagogue and i felt that i am in a higher place, i kept staring at the sign that said “In memory of the six million murdered in the holocaust” and i saw a sign when i walked out that mentioned the name of a six year old child murdered in the holocaust . I thought about how some people like my brother do not have feelings and they murder other people’s sense of self , because they lack any sense of integrity and they lack words to say sorry and they do not feel sorrow, and i thought about how last week i walked my brother to his fancy bike, he bikes with his friend, he has all that support, and all that money and a sense of entitlement and i thought about i feel i am deserving of nothing and nothing is plenty for me and i will seek a lawyer, maybe, and maybe not, but i thought about how today is all i have , all i have and i need to listen to myself and not to anyone else, but i do need some sort of guide, some wisdom to help me not to fall and not to walk the same old streets that lead to bad places of self doubt and listening to people who do not care and do not remember how i used to be and still am in a constant search for something good.