The eleventh son

19 “Here comes that dreamer!” they said to each other. 20 “Come now, let’s kill him and throw him into one of these cisterns and say that a ferocious animal devoured him. Then we’ll see what comes of his dreams.”

-Genesis

Dear brother and /or sister, 

I wish to write you and tell you how i feel, how i wish things would turn out differently , how i wish we could have been friends, but all i see is one dark abyss , i dont see the happy end, the light at the end of the tunnel, i see only a growing darkness,  i am moving through space, it is dark and there are stars, sometimes a moon but when i think of you , i see only a great darkness encompassing me and drawing me like a black hole towards a place where i can not breath, i can not see the way out, i drown and i know you will not save me. 

Why do i need someone to save me ? I often think of that but i realise if truth be told we all seek a messiah, some have family and friends but i find myself all alone in my struggles, depending on the kindness of strangers for an exchange of words and i think that life has plans for me to become a leader, someone who does not need anyone to guide him or her but is self guided by inner wisdom. 

Last night i attended a lesson and lecture at the yoga center and i think that it felt good to be with like minded people who seek the light of ancient wisdom, who seek to be lifted to higher places and not fall into the dark abyss .

 

The bible tells the sad story of Joseph being placed in a dark hole in the ground

“Joseph, son of Israel (Jacob) and Rachel, lived in the land of Canaan with eleven brothers and one sister. He was Rachel’s firstborn and Israel’s eleventh son. Of all the sons, Joseph was loved by his father the most. Israel even arrayed Joseph with a “long coat of many colors“.[1] Israel’s favoritism toward Joseph caused his half brothers to hate him, and when Joseph was seventeen years old he had two dreams that made his brothers plot his demise. In the first dream, Joseph and his brothers gathered bundles of grain. Then, all of the grain bundles that had been prepared by the brothers gathered around Joseph’s bundle and bowed down to it. In the second dream, the sun (father), the moon (mother) and eleven stars (brothers) bowed down to Joseph himself. When he told these two dreams to his brothers, they despised him for the implications that the family would be bowing down to Joseph. They became jealous that their father would even ponder over Joseph’s words concerning these dreams. (Genesis 37:1-11) They saw their chance when they were feeding the flocks, the brothers saw Joseph from afar and plotted to kill him. They turned on him and stripped him of the coat his father made for him, and threw him into a pit. As they pondered what to do with Joseph, the brothers saw a camel caravan of Ishmaelites coming out of Gilead, carrying spices and perfumes to Egypt, for trade. Judah, the strongest, thought twice about killing Joseph and proposed that he be sold. The traders paid twenty pieces of silver for Joseph, and the brothers took Joseph’s coat back to Jacob, who was lied to and told that Joseph had been killed by wild animals.”

I was the dreamer and i was sold , but Joseph managed to leave his past behind and to become a great leader in the new land where he lived, he rose up in rank and became a high minister in Egypt and so when the brothers came to him, he had power over them , the power of money  but i dont have a position of power , in fact i often feel without any power, political or otherwise. When i was young i had the power of youth and beauty to attract young men but now that i am older i have to dive deep within my soul and dig up the many treasures i had been given, creativity, humour, ability to express how i feel and to feel empowered by the gifts that i have that my brother and sister never will. 

To be rejected, to be unloved is a difficult situation, but if our self esteem does not depend on others accepting us or approval then we can go towards her places.

I woke up today feeling ill, my shoulders hurt and there was no one to tell, and there was no one to say anything to but the dog came with a red ball and asked me to throw it and i think that there is always hope of things getting better and better in my life if i select a community of like minded people , people who seek spirituality. 

Yesterday i met a Buddhist monk down the street from where i live, the dogs felt his  serenity and he told me of a monastery in Thailand where he teaches and i thought to myself how i would feel at home there and find other people who also seek the light, the spirituality, to learn how to dive deep into your soul and live without the need of anyone’s approval. 

While my brother and sister feel at home in shopping centres , i feel at home in spiritual centers, whether church, synagogue or Buddhist center or Yoga school, i am drawn to the high vibrations and the songs of the soul . 

It is not i , i realize, who feels inferior but my brother and sister who know that they are clinging to something that will pass, the material will break or die, the body grows old eventually , no matter how much people struggle to keep the body young and beautiful, and what remains eternal is the soul that we can not see but if you work on yourself  and reach high vibrations, you can feel. 

I see myself as Joseph and think how he could have felt sorry for himself and gotten depressed but instead of that he became an expert dream reader and this is how he rose up, he knew what he was good at and he went for that, he did not try to be like his brothers,  soul less merchants, he stuck to the soul work and succeeded. 

last night at the yoga center as i sat with my fellow yogis singing i felt my vibrations rise and i knew i have found the way out of the dark abyss of loneliness and despair and slow very gradually am making my way towards the light of truth .

About seagullsea

a seagull flying over the great ocean of life observing.
This entry was posted in Dysfunctional family relations, family life, Uncategorized, yoga and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

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