The 4th of July : photographs and memories

“Summertime, and the livin’ is easy
Fish are jumpin’ and the cotton is high
Oh, your daddy’s rich and your ma is good-lookin’
So hush, little baby, don’t you cry
One of these mornings you’re gonna rise up singing
And you’ll spread your wings and you’ll take to the sky
But till that morning, there ain’t nothin’ can harm you
With daddy and mammy standin’ by
One of these mornings you’re gonna rise up singing
And you’ll spread your wings and you’ll take to the sky
But till that morning, there ain’t nothin’ can harm you
With daddy and mammy standin’ by
Summertime, and the livin’ is easy
Fish are jumpin’ and the cotton is high
Oh, your daddy’s rich and your ma is good-lookin’
So hush, little baby, don’t you cry”
         -Summertime
 George Greshwin
I left the United States on the 4th of July, 1994 thinking i have the embrace of a family to go to back in Israel but i only found barriers, users and despair of relationships and then came terror and showed its ugly face killing people in front of my face in exploding buses, and i so deeply regretted leaving American soil and not doing everything other Israelis were doing to stay, to marry the mad American  scientist who clung to me, to find employment but i was a helpless baby bird longing for a mother bird i thought i had because i do not know the difference between reality and illusion and fail to recognise true love and fake phony users. 

I loved America, i pledged the allegiance but all that is gone now and all that is left is a photography of me in 5th grade in Mr. Fixman’s class in St. Louis and i dont suppose anyone in that class ever thought, whatever happened to the Israeli girl who drew and wrote and won a blue ribbon in the science fair? 

She grew up to being a confused disturbed desperate woman who ages badly and still seeks the embrace of a family in all the wrong places , and most recently in a child care center presenting itself as a kindergarten  and the position as a kindergarten teacher and not a euphomism for diaper changing low paid baby sitter .

A family of Asian decent crosses the street, Thai? Philipine? The mother is pushing a stroller with a happy toddler, a girl nine or ten years old walks serenely next to her, her pony tail is shiny in the nearly mid day sun, and another son, slightly younger walks wearing a white shirt holding on to his father , they walk together as if they were one person , in a unison , and i can not but long for what seemed once my family, and how the years cut through me like a knife separating us as though the happy family photo was cut by a pair of scissors held by a cruel fate, a cruel karma of sins i never knew i did but probably did because why would life hand me such cards? Giving me beautiful babies and then taking them away from me because i was unable to withstanding the torture of my mind and the struggle all alone?

The children i had, the family of three children and a man have disappeared, swallowed by a whale like Jonah the prophet leaving me to wonder what lesson i was supposed to learn?

The Buddhists tell me to not identify with my thoughts, not to sink  with  my sadness in the puddle of my tears like Alice in Wonderland, not to dive deep into the depth of despair and sorrow but to take fate into my own hands. 

My rescue dog with her broken teeth and broken nose comes to me and looks at me with her large brown Labrador eyes, i want to kill whoever did this to her, whether a car or a cruel dog, or a human being who showed her no compassion and took all the rage of a violent society on her helpless body. 

I want to kill the sadness in me yet it bears fruit of poems and songs, my tears fall and out of those tears words hold the emotions and embrace them like small babies and soothe them and tell them everything will be alright. 

The cruel  Israeli plumber  of Bucharian origin sueing me while overcharging me and leaving me with a kitchen exposed and full of happy cockroaches who have found their way to cockroach paradise , crumbs of food, dog food , make them fly around fearless while my good neighbour from downstairs who adopted a dog with a birth defect who drools constantly from his distorted muzzle , tells me that the cockroaches are more afraid of me than i am of them, i try to see them ugly butterflies and inquire whether they are not disease carriers ? “I don’t think so ” says the man  i should have married, a kind hearted young man who sees human beings and animals not as means to an end. 

How could i have been so wrong regarding the plumber? Seeing the young man as my son, a kind man who saved me money from the old cheating plumber who wanted to remove the tiles of the kitchen floor  and charge me thousands of shekels which would mean no food for me or the dogs. 

I am struggling for my very survival now and so i reflect upon the work with the young children and i think i will use them the way the young plumber used me, and not reveal to them my plans to leave as soon as i find a teaching position . 

 

I dont want to be attached to anyone anymore, no one, my children are a challenge, i dont know how they feel about me but as i grow older and being alone means life or death as i fall into despair staring at the walls of my apartment thinking of my funeral, seeing myself being lifted into the earth by yarmulka wearing Orthodox jewish man after an orthodox woman wearing a head scarf has washed my life less body and the plumber, he will be cheating other people not caring the way my family did not care about me. 

The plumber is only a sign of the cruelty of inhuman beings who see others as means to an end , the way the kindergarten is using stupid naive women like myself and pay them so little as they charge a hefty sum from the parents so they can be child free six days a week pretending how kind and wonderful they are but seeing the children for about an hour in the evening, changing two diapers and knowing someone else will dry their tears, someone else will wipe their runny noses , someone else will change their diapers, diaper after diaper and wipe their little buts from the feces, someone who will get too little money because they are naive and stupid and maybe have an attention disorder and is unable to do anything else but i who have TWO academic degrees from top universities how did i fall into the trap? How could i have wasted my life  dreaming of an opportunity of something untangible ? 

I watch an elderly woman sitting with a middle aged carer, they are eating lunch , i am hungry but i dare not order lunch which is over priced , and so i listen to Janis Joplin sing “summertime” and i wonder how did i get this tortured soul and was a reincarnation of someone badly abused or badly abusive ? Was i a cruel plumber in another life time ? 

“Don’t you cry”  sings Janis and i think of all the drugs she needed to sooth her tortured soul while i only need words..

 

About seagullsea

a seagull flying over the great ocean of life observing.
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