No idea-A letter


I have no idea what i want to tell you,

I probably should not be writing you but i feel the need to , i dont know why.

Maybe i do, maybe it is because you are door number two; you know the door i never went through , the door that said; “you marry a man of your tribe who would be devoted to you and love you for as long as you both shall live” , instead of “You marry a foreign man who would offer mystery and many open questions but will never appreciate you or love you “.

So you married well, he seems nice anyway, he sits at the table and he lets you talk and of course, you look so pretty and skinny and happy, what else could anyone wish for ?

Maybe a meaningful life, not just to have children and raise them as a meaning but to do something with your gifts, your abilities, to have your own career, whatever it is , to fail at something and then to get up , wipe the dust of the road off your shoes and clothes and get up again, to be empowered in a way only an INDEPENDENT INDIVIDUAL can .

Yes, it looks like you did what you wanted to do but if you are so happy, why are you making up things? You make up a career you might have had but dont have , you make up things, you are focused on a man, and the man is focused on you, except he has his career, and while you are the extra helping of the cheese cake, his work is the main course, it provides for you and the children and it makes him the head honcho while you are always in the other seat.

Am i envious? Yes, it looks so perfect but i also know that my personality just would not allow me to be the one assisting though that is exactly what i did for years, be there like a dog waiting for its master, thinking i am doing what i enjoy, spending time with my beloved children but not really thinking about my own path, my own ideas, and now that i am free, and have been free for years, i have no idea, what to do or where to go, having spent too many years trying to please the adult in charge, whether a parent, a husband , society, and too little time in training to be who i am supposed to be; unique, focused on my own goals.

I am like that worry doll released from its  tiny glass jar , so used to the glass jar and so unaccustomed with life on the outside ..and years still do not make up for all that lost time i spent following someone else and walking behind.

I dont think we can be friends, i have nothing in common with you, i am in the middle of a struggle you dont even recognize and with just a bit lot of luck , you never will discover what it feels like to be free and to have choices that are up to you without consulting anyone .

This is the real life i put off too long living, distracting with so many trips and roads that had led back home to the place of indecision and there is no place for you.

We met by chance and our paths will part, you will continue to believe you are happy just as i will continue to believe that i am unhappy without someone to guide me and be the leader . I will turn my eyes upwards and wonder when i will see some sign and you will look to the man at your side and wonder how come you got so lucky and the answer will be because you are a  conventional thinker and you will be no matter how original you think you are by wearing ethnic clothes and sandals, you will remain a little girl trying to please her parents and i will be a little girl trying to find her path , not caring what anyone thinks but sad that no one approves of my choices, not even i.

About seagullsea

a seagull flying over the great ocean of life observing.
This entry was posted in a stranger in paradise, feminine empowerment, feminine thought, Uncategorized and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

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