You light up my life

You Light Up My Life
So many nights I’d sit by my window
Waiting for someone to sing me his song
So many dreams I kept deep inside me
Alone in the dark but now you’ve come along
And you light up my life
You give me hope to carry on
You light up my days and fill my nights with song
Rollin’ at sea, adrift on the water
Could it be finally I’m turnin’ for home?
Finally a chance to say “Hey, I love you”
Never again to be all alone
And you light up my life
You give me hope to carry on
You light up my days and fill my nights with song
‘Cause you, you light up my life
You give me hope to carry on
You light up my days and fill my nights with song
It can’t be wrong
When it feels so right
‘Cause you…..you light up my life
How did i find that life coach? She must have advertised on the website i subscribed to in order to connect to other human beings who spoke English . 
Ah, Lilly of the valley, a woman who has since that time blocked me after i had complained she had given me the generic solution of practicing yoga, giving me a pamphlet with a photo of a beautiful turquoise colored beach, “Yoga and life transformation”, the words clearly offered me what i must have needed but could not put into words before i had been handed that pamphlet.
“You are an amazing person “, Lilly had reassured me after sitting attentive listening to every word i had spoken. Lilly with her slight British accent and her ballerina body and her large liquid dark eyes that screamed COMPASSION  the way the American president who had a sign on his desk “the buck stops here”, Lilly seemed to have had a sign that read “compassion begins here”.
“The pamphlet gave the number of a Swiss man ; a yoga therapist who had offered a trip to Thailand after which your life will be transformed AND you will receive a yoga teachers certificate .
Yes, it was November , the most miserable month in Europe, cold , rainy , carpets of wet leaves , even the squirrels hurried by to hide and i have had too many seasons of loneliness so of course i signed up and joined the international group which wasn’t really international, there were two  very young  blond German girls , a tall Croatian who was constantly hugging his German girlfriend as though they were on a honeymoon we were all invited to attend, a German woman who ran her own business and suffered from migraines , a very pretty Croatian princess like lady with long coal coloured curls and a presence that said beauty, a young Jewish guy from L.A. who knew where to get a good deal on a motorcycle and bungalow, not surprisingly slipping neatly into the role of a stereotype and yes, he was in love with the Shiksa ( Yiddish for non Jewish woman) alternating between a young gorgeous blond German woman and the Croatian princess .to no avail . He came with nothing and left with nothing . Of course we the two members of the ancient tribe of Judea were paired off in presentations, and i was left on my own to lead an activity on balancing the  female  hormones  cycle through Yoga .
Then there were the Swiss, oh yes, the Swiss entourage who had followed the Swiss Yoga teacher named Remo, and so not looking like a boxing champion , like flies .
Who did i leave out in my description ? The British born curly haired man who had a midlife crisis and moved to Thailand with his large dog and slept in a bungalow next to me and gave me rides in his jeep.
Then there was the Australian business man who kept hugging the Swiss Yoga teacher Remo in a display of masculine affection being oh so metroseexual . It seems i was the only one in the dark regarding his multitude business transactions , he was selling every product imaginable from a portable toilet seat to a subscription to a massage by blind Thai people and dentist appointments. I was not offered any of his services perhaps because i was very uninterested in any business transactions. 
The month i was to spend on a touristy island in Thailand with Remo and his Yoga flock sadly did NOT transform my life but had reassured me of the following facts ; 
1) I really got along better with men, i was one of the guys.  The Women in the yoga flock seem to have  hated me , maybe because i was not looking for a man to fertilise my eggs, like most of them , having been there and done it, and perhaps because i kept telling our Yoga guru that he the emperor had no clothes, after he began long monologues about his ex wife, an Indian medicine woman who ran away from paradise Switzerland taking with her his two children.
2) It is lonely at the top and perhaps that feeling of solitude had meant  i was at the top of some existential mountain.
3) i was NOT a follower, i was not a sheep, but a very loud disturbing  force that caused people to move away or leave the room .
4) I was very popular with Thai people, men AND women; men who thought i was a wealthy woman from Switzerland ( WRONG) , women who thought i was a psychologist who would listen to their tales of suffering in exchange for having my nails painted with floral designs.
5) Maybe i did not really seek a transformation but self acceptance?
We began the day at 7 o’clock with yoga practice and Remo telling about his divorce and how selfish his wife was, then we would have two guest stars, one woman from L.A., called Christina with a phony Sanskrit name and a tendency to bed hop dragging with her a two year old child who spoke Hebrew, the result of a liaison that had recently ended with an Israeli medicine man and that is where i shone like a star as i sang Hebrew kindergarten songs to the toddler who hopped happily obviously recalling happy moments with her now estranged  Hebrew speaking father .
One night i sat alone in my bungalow after having refused an offer to spend time with a tall  intoxicated Australian man when i noticed through my sheer curtains the small figure of an Asian pigmy on high heels running happily to his room , it was clearly a transaction i would not be able to offer him so i was relieved to see he had found someone he could pursue and finance . 
Debbie Boone’s voice played in my mind and i had googled the words to the song that was occupying every inch of my mind the way the lizards and spiders had danced in the small bungalow , “You light up my life”, i began to sing, several times , when i heard someone pounding the wall…the following morning the Thai man in charge of the bungalow had told me that someone had complained about my singing at night …i was devastated ..
The complainer had turned out to have been the British man from some mining town up North , i guess they hadn’t heard of Debbie Boone in Birmingham..he came seeking a submissive Thai woman who would serve him and his large beast of a dog breakfast , clean the house and not complain and especially NOT TALK; so the singing was not what he needed to keep him warm on those Thai November nights when you never knew wether a curtain of rain lasting one hour or more would welcome you at night or a sultry warm night filled with thoughts of temptations .
I found my voice in Thailand, a voice i had lost when in drama camp in St. Louis, Missouri , aged 11 i was told i couldn’t sing well enough to get a singing role in the musical “Grease”, back when the camp counsellor, a Theater major in the state university was a God who could make or break you by deciding you could or could not sing. I was also not welcomed in the school choir thanks to the middle aged blond soprano music director back in school, so i lost my voice, borrowed my older brother’s clothes and accepted the role of a guy , thanks to my husky voice, who had ONE LINE , my parents would not stop praising, yes, i was destained to be a transgender during the summer of 1974, a black eye from my older sister, whom i now know was bipolar, beautiful lonely days spent with bambi and rabbits in the St. Louis suburbs  that  had the same effect on someone i would later grow to admire tremendously , Tennessee Williams. 
No, i never did become a transgender, i grew round features thanks to my DNA , and would discover  the following year as i turned 12 that boys really like girls with real curves, at least for practice , and once again facing a rejection for the drama club, i had to contend with a certificate of exceptional performance in the Art class, a blue ribbon in the science fair was neatly tucked in my souvenir book and travelled with me throughout lands and languages though never turning to be the promised career as a noble prize winning scientist . Yes, i found my voice, though i kept losing it again and again while travelling from one land to another . 
Remo offered a weekend free of his monologues about his ex wife so as the other yoga people made plans to  travel and see Thailand i chose to  literally dive deep accepting an offer by a slim but convincing young Thai lady to take diving lessons with the only Moslem diving instructor on the island. My instructor was extremely patient and would show up with a black eye after a rough day at the pub the night before and would leave on a motorcycle carrying himself , his young Thai girlfriend and the only  motorcycle helmet wearing member of the family ;  their sweet toddler daughter .
So i left the Island not only with a Swiss   Remo  Yoga teachers  certificate  with my membership in the international diving association , a card that would prove redundant after i had not dived for six months and had discovered i lacked basic diving skills  but i did have a film he had made with me making yoga poses beneath the waves .
Where is that film ? i couldn’t tell you but i recall that night i sat in my room watching the lizards and trying to learn the words to Debbie Boon’s song, i found my voice and lost any sense of shame about doing what felt good, it felt good to sing and nothing nor anyone would be able to stop me, not even the mean comments of a Thai lady to her British husband as i stood next to a Thai Karoke master belting one song after another to the delight of the Thai man who could not believe his lucky stars to have secured a blond European woman , having not known i was just as Asian as him.
You Needed Me
I cried a tear, you wiped it dry
I was confused, you cleared my mind
I sold my soul, you bought it back for me
And held me up and gave me dignity
Somehow you needed me
You gave me strength to stand alone again
To face the world out on my own again
You put me high upon a pedestal
So high that I could almost see eternity
You needed me, you needed me
And I can’t believe it’s you
I can’t believe it’s true
I needed you and you were there
And I’ll never leave, why should I leave?
I’d be a fool ’cause I finally found someone who really cares
You held my hand when it was cold
When I was lost you took me home
You gave me hope when I was at the end
And turned my lies back into truth again
You even called me “friend”
You gave me strength to stand alone again
To face the world out on my own again
You put me high upon a pedestal
So high that I could almost see eternity
You needed me, you needed me
You needed me, you needed me

About seagullsea

a seagull flying over the great ocean of life observing.
This entry was posted in a letter to the stars, affirmation, Uncategorized, understanding ourselves, yoga and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

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