Help!I am a Viking

Last night I went to see the orthopedics doctor across the street who is an expert in hands.

I actually have been suffering from terrible pains in my knees but it was the hand doctor who had time to see me at a late appointment.

Having lived abroad for many years I usually had an unwritten rule favoring Jewish doctors which was a fairly easy rule to keep since there were plenty of Jewish doctors even in a European country where they were 0.01%of the population ,I even went to a Jewish veterinarian after I couldn’t find a veterinarian who would help me complete the process of bringing my dog with me to Israel .

Last night’s doctor was a new low level i had never encountered in doctor -patient relations ,that can be summed up in my diagnosis of the doctor :narcissistic personality disorder .

I enter a room where the gum chewing silver haired man had sat behind him was a tower of files piled up to the ceiling and jars of”Orbit “brand chewing gum .

The diagnosis came swift like a baseball bat on my head ;”you have a disease with a French name that is passed down by Scandinavians “and don’t ask me how the doctor had ended up bragging how his father had left Germany in 1933 when Hitler had come into power and suddenly it was no longer about me and my newly found Scandinavian ancestors but all about his father and how he had managed to outsmart the Nazis and miss the holocaust .

There was only one piece of advice when I had complained about not being able to place weight on my hands during the yoga exercise ;the doctor talked about his daughter practicing yoga and being able to disconnect from her body .

Disconnect from your body !He had recommended .

You could say the doctor had personalized this experience and thus had made it all more accessible to the mind ,a trick recommended when teaching English as a foreign language but I took it as an inability to connect to my world now perhaps full of hope I am actually not related to my nasty relatives ,my greedy siblings who stole my inheritance the way Jacob cheated his brother ,the way the band of brothers there Joseph the dreamer into a pit filled with snakes and now I discover that my Joseph the dreamer alter ego is actually Scandinavian .

My nose stood out as nontypical Jewish though the Jewish nose sterotyoe was exposed as a Nazi propoganda and not at all having anything to do with being of Jewish descent .

I could just imagine me during the holocaust shoving my hand in the face of the Nazi doctors who would decide whether I would go to the side of the workers or the side of those doomed to die.

“Look!”I clad in striped pyjamas bald and missing gold teeth would scream at the Nazi doctor

“I have the Viking’s disease !I am Scandinavian !”

It was a long dark night that followed my diagnosis that had swung from the despair of not being able to play piano even though I lack the skill to hope of finding my long lost Norweigian family waiting to embrace me in yarn knitted red hats and share with me a trauma free life of Vikings conquering victories rather than conquered tortured jews .

I could get a tatoo !I could tell my children they were no longer under the many strict obligations of the Jewish faith ;they could marry anyone ,eat shellfish ,free at last from the enslavement of one of the most demanding guilttripping cultures/religions there are .

“But you look like your sister “,my rational daughter talks me out of spending 100 US dollars on a DNA kit that my delusional mind dictates will reveal my Scandinavian family sitted upon IKEA furniture waiting with fish family dinner and Swedish meat balls .

The Israeli health insurance does pay for DNA testing in special circumstances like pregnancy with risk of a genetic defect but not for an obsession with seeking to be Scandinavian.

I go from imagining myself getting the DNA test results ;40%Norweigiab,30%French and 30%Native American

Then I imagine what I dread ;spending 100 US dollars on a DNA test that will expose

98%Eastern European Jewish ;Ukranian bipolar ,1%German and 0.01%Scandinavian .

Do I really need to spend 100 US dollars to be disappointed ?

I can just take a trip to Bulgaria .

Anyway i can still use my fingers to write i am not disabled and countless YouTube videos reveal that the lives of two legged dogs ,armless men,leggless women can be very fulfilling as motivational speakers or at least as beings focused on the mind rather than what’s not working .

My problem is that rather than my limbs it is my all powetful mind where destiny is decided that is what’s not working …

About seagullsea

a seagull flying over the great ocean of life observing.
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